When It’s Not the Most Wonderful Time of the Year
Each day was hard. Actually, that’s an understatement. Each day brought a fight to even survive. Each minute of the day was a struggle to merely get through the day. It was a struggle to breath.
It was the first time I knew that emotional pain could physically hurt. My world was absolutely shattered. I was ashamed, embarrassed, believed my life was over, and didn’t see a way out of the mess I was in. When I tried to think of the future, it was black. Nothing. I was so distraught I couldn’t even imagine a future.
Lament
Lament is a powerful word. We don’t use it often anymore, but it represents such deep sorrow, a passionate expression of grief. Likewise, sorrow is a deep distress or grief. I lamented. My sorrow was deep within me, straight to the core of my being like a gaping black hole. Jesus experienced the depths of that sorrow. In the Matthew account of the moments before Jesus’ arrest and execution, Jesus “took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then he said to them, ‘My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death.’” (Mt 26:37-38) Whew. I felt that. I was overwhelmed with that deep, passionate grief and distress, to the point I didn’t want to live. If you’ve ever been to that point in your life, you understand the thoughts of death. The sorrow is completely overpowering of all rational thoughts. It takes over your mind so that all you think about is whatever has caused such deep grief. You begin to make irrational decisions based on that overwhelming sorrow – though, in your mind, you are being completely rational. The overwhelming thought is just to end that pain, and by ending your own pain, you may be ending the pain of the family around you so that you are no longer a burden to them. You actually think you are doing your family a favor.
Suicide
There seemed to be no end to the tears or to the hurt and fear I was experiencing. I was so alone, both physically and emotionally. I didn’t believe I deserved to have anyone around me. I didn’t think I deserved for anyone to love me. In my mind, there was no way out. My overwhelming sorrow didn’t allow for thoughts of hope and a future, my mind’s focus was on my shame and disappointment. I didn’t know how I could continue in this life.
So, I decided to end the pain and free my family of me, and the shame and embarrassment I caused. I wouldn’t be a burden to them. At least, that’s what my mind was telling me. I didn’t realize at the time my mind wasn’t functioning right, but when you are in the grips of despair, you don’t realize that. If you are reading this and have suicidal thoughts, understand there is a chemical imbalance happening in your brain and you are not thinking clearly, even though you think you are. I’ve been there, I know. I thought I was thinking with perfect clarity, but I was not. I didn’t understand that until I was on the other side and sought help.
Jesus Wept
After spending one morning writing my goodbye letters, I sat on the bed, rocking back and forth sobbing hysterically, I had an image pop up in my mind’s eye. The vision had a pinkish white backdrop. In the center was a throne. It was white, almost iridescent. Sitting on the throne was Jesus. He was draped in an ivory colored robe. He had his elbows on his knees, body slightly slumped over, and his face was in the palms of his hands. He was crying. Jesus was crying with me. Jesus. Was. Crying. With. Me.
God allowed me to see His son crying. He felt my pain. He counted my tears. “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” (Psalm 56:8 NLT) God knows each tear and the reason for each tear.
Living to Survive
That vision and realization of God’s incredible love for me didn’t immediately end my sorrow. I still cried, but it did help me press on. I forced myself to press forward each day. God gives us our “daily bread.” That is, He gives us enough to get through each day. Each day, I prayed for that day’s “daily bread,” the sustenance to get me through that day. Not tomorrow or next week, but that day. My goal was to make it through THAT day. Each day I got out of bed, forced myself to do my daily routine, and focused on making it through the day to go to bed that night, get the up the next day and repeat. It took a long time, and it was hard, but merely living to survive each day at a time eventually gave way to living.
I also started counseling and was placed on anti-depressants. There is no shame in either. If you’re sick, you go to the doctor. The same is true for what’s happening in the mind. Amid the sorrow and despair I didn’t know I was sick. That’s one of the tricks of this disease, it convinces you your mind is perfectly fine and that you are making reasonable and rational decisions. You’re not. It took a long while of living to survive, counseling, and anti-depressants, but I survived. What I couldn’t see back then, I can clearly see now as I look back over the years since I believed my life was over. When I look back, I see so many of life’s big and small events have happened since that time in my life that far outweigh the horror and bleakness of that horrible year. That’s to say, life will get better.
Hope in the Darkness
I can see the impact I had on other’s lives, that I would have missed out on. I’ve led people to Christ. In 2012, I flew to Oakland, California to transport a 17-year-old girl back to Alabama who had been sex trafficked all along the way from Alabama to California over the previous few weeks. I extracted other trafficking victims from their situations and got them to safety, I’ve helped domestic violence victims break free from their abuse. I’ve been able to watch my niece and nephews grow up. I also would have missed out on surviving a hot air balloon crash, seeing the Grand Tetons and Yellowstone, watching the sunrise from the beach, and drinking wonderful coffee. And, after many years of singleness that was accompanied by tears, anger, and frustration, met and then married the true love of my life at the age of 43.
Though back then, I could only see darkness, there was light. There are no shadows without light. We can’t always see the light, but it’s there. Whenever there is darkness, there is light. You can’t comprehend darkness unless you’ve experienced light. Hold on to the absolute fact that there is light. It may be dim, but there is light. There is hope.
Seek Help
You can press through your darkness, too. You can’t see it now, but you have more to live for. Take it one day at a time. Promise yourself to get through today. And then tomorrow, promise yourself to make it through that day. And each day after that.
If you are in the grips of despair, loneliness, think you can’t overcome the pain, and think there’s only one way to end it all, please call 988 now. The pain is temporary – trust me, I’ve been there. Suicide is permanent. It can’t be undone. Please, call 988, get help.